Life and Everything about it

At noon today, when I was just about to leave for Halifax, I experienced the most emotional moment of my life, hugging my kids goodbye. Oufffff! I am crying just thinking about it. I love my kids so much.

It is indeed, my sixth open heart surgey but, this one is a bit harder for me to prepare for, for the fact that its the first time my kids will experience their father having to go for an open heart surgery. That makes me sad. My kids are super supportive though and I know, either way, they will always do me proud. I already am!

My entire community is also very supportive! Its a fact. Its unreal. The amount of messages of support I have recieved has been totally unbelievable! I feel loved. I feel as though I have had an impact on many people, from the love I am getting back from everyone. Its besutiful. The proof that, together in unity, we are always stronger. In many ways, I feel as though this surgery is trip that we are all on.

So many people have followed my journey, starting at different times in my lifetime. Some are lifers, some have only known my story from the time the met me, but everyone know and shares this with me in some way. I believe that, the fact that I share candidly about my health, my mental health and all of the ups and downs of my life, it helps some people to marginalize there own situation. To see and hear someone elses perspective sometimes gives you hope and inspiration in your journey. I know it does for me. To see that I have had huge successes AND huge failures in my lifetime only makes me human. But I always rise! No matter the depth of my lows, and the peeks of my highs, I rise. I am a true fighter. I am genuinely resilient. I am honest with myself. I am not affraid to cry. I am always up for a great laugh! I am always listening for other people’s wisdom and teachings, their message. That helps shape mine. And then I help shape others. The amazing chain that is, humanity. Its amazing! Its what makes this thing called life so goddamn intriguing.

Its 2:48 am, Bon Iver is taking me through the night, and I am smiling.

I just finished meditating for 2 hours. Throughout that time, I cried, I laughed (with my nurse who dropped in once), I stretched, I practiced breathing excercises, allwhile manifesting positive healing vibes internally. All this, with the magnificient help of the amazing music project known as Bon Iver. I put in my favorite concert of theirs on youtube, in my ears. Then, I listener to their albums on spotify, in my ears. Their music is divine. Its truly a miracle for healing. Its emotions in tones, musical nuances and grooves. What an experience, everytime! Thank you Justin Vernon for exposing yourself, your weaknesses, in and thru music. And thanks to the many members if his musical entourage who made these albums what they are, with him. It has LITTERALLY saved my life, so many times! Its my GO TO, everytime I need to get through shit and put things in perspective, sort things out in my head. Their music is two things at once, both chaotic and soothing. Its an emotional trip that helps me dial into the compartments that often dtay closed within my soul. And let me tell u, those compartments are tucked in deep in my soul, and they typically don’t open smoothly and easilly. Ut usually takes some sort of musical experience to prop them open but, EVERYTIME, it feels so good to release them and let them breathe. Bon Iver allows me to tap into that and accomplish what I need to, in order to find the strength to fight for me, my life, my purpose, my reason. It makes me so fucking resilient, I almost get egotistical about it. I feel as though NOTHING, NO ONE can take me down. It helps me trust in the amazing humans that are involved for my wellbeing, like in this case, the amazing people who are about to work on me. From the cleaners, to the porters, the nurses, the docs, the staff, EVERYONE. I trust in them with my soul. I am grateful for them, bo matter their race, their religion, their sex.

They are all a part of something bigger, when together. They are a team of humans, saving humans, daily. Isn’t that fucking cool!? That’s what Bon Iver gives me. That trust and belief. In myself. In others. In God (or the universe). Its powerful. I hope I described it as clearly as possible for you to have embarked in that belief/experience with me, as I was writing this. And yes, I DO write this for you to read. You, whoever, wherever you are. Thank you. I am grateful for you as well.

My father

Throughout my meditation session tonight, I spoke to my late father, who I know is watching over me and our family. I forgave him for the things that he always felt bad for, in terms of his alcoholism and his emotional personality that often steered him in the wrong direction, throughout his life. He was an amazing father and family man, nonetheless. Just a heart of a man. I miss him alot. It made me cry and let go of some emotions, as I spoke to him tonight. I know he is right here with me, for this open heart surgery. He is in going to watch over me, regardless of the physical outcome. I appreciate that. I only hope my own kids will always know that I will be exactly that to them, when they are faced with troubled times, life challenges and also, victories! I will be just like my father is to me, in his mortality, there, watching and blessing me. No judgement, no checks and balances. Just support. He was always there and I will always be there, just like my Pape. I am so proud to have had him as my father. He sacrificed his life for his family. And, although I wish he wouldn’t of because I feel he would of been happier inside, if he wouldve given himself more love, I cannot deny the dedication he had to his role as a family man. Solid, stable and supportive, in all situations.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was real. And we always hashed it out, through dialogue. Sometimes too much dialogue and not enough actions but, lord know we tried and THAT’S all that matters. Before he died, we had some amazing conversations and it gave us alot of clarity and closure. Dialogue! The key to connection. The key to solution. Remember, in dialogu, you are a speaker AND a listener. Practice both. Its the winning formula. I love my father and I miss him everyday.

My maman (Mom)

What can I say. She is a true angel. She is such an angel that she was named Angele. I will elsborate on my mom, one day soon, when I get to the other side if this surgery. There’s so much to say but, its 3:35 am and my hands and fingers are in pain from writing this on my i-phone. From day 1, my mom has been my guardian angel, for real! 😇🪽🙏❤️

She’s always been there for me, by my side. She is the strongest woman I know! She is a natural healer. An empath. So much so that sometimes it affected her own mental health, but she never stopped. She is amazing. An artist in so many ways. She is the source of many of my own talents. Its incredible. She is my rock and I don’t tell her that enough. In fact, I’m gonna start telling her more often as of now. I am truly blessed to have her as a maman. She is cute, funny, quirky and always up for « game nights ». I thank God for her. 🙏❤️

Before I let you go, I do want to mention my most recent ex-girlfriend who has played amazing part in my journey in the last 5 years. Although we are no longer together, Paryse and I remain very good friends. We still have some healing to do, from our journey as a couple but, I cannot deny that she has had many positive impacts on my life over the course of the last few years. I appreciate her very much. I know she hurts at the moment, feeling that she should be here with me, by my side. Its really unfortunate that we couldn’t work out the kinks that folded our relationship as lovers but, I respect her, appreciate her and most of all, I still love her very much. This is probably another subject I will elaborate on, in another blog post, at some point. But at the moment, I am thinking of her so, its worth mentioning her. She’s a beautiful soul. I will always have a special place in my heart for Paryse.

Paryse and I at Parlee Beach (Shediac NB, Canada) on a beautiful summer evening, at sunset.

Have a good Monday, better than mine 🙏❤️☺️🫣

Please keep me in your energy today

Thank you and much love

MB